Memoirs Of A Former Addict

For someone who has never struggled with addiction or alcoholism, it can be difficult to wrap your mind around the entire concept. You may have even said to yourself, “What were they thinking” or “They knew what they were getting themselves into.” In reality though, a person never decides to become a drug addict. Most times, they hate themselves for it. They feel trapped; hopeless; lost. Have you wondered what goes on inside the head of an addict? Here’s an inside look into what someone struggling with addiction thinks and feels. The following has been submitted by a recovering young woman, who has asked us to share a piece of her story. This is what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now.

…This morning before I opened my eyes, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my eyelids.  I remember sighing and thinking, here we go again.  Another day, another battle.  I managed to get myself showered and off to work relatively on time.  I feel as though I’m just existing until I can get my next fix.  I punch in, punch out, try to score something, and go home.  At least I can still function pretty well.  I know some people who’ve just dropped off of the map they’re in it so bad.  I won’t let myself get like that.  I can’t let myself get like that. Turn into a full blown addict…I think not.  What would my friends think?  What would my parents think? Anyway, all in all it wasn’t a bad day. Tomorrow will be better.  I’ve got a guaranteed score after work, so that’s something to look forward too.  There’s got to be more to life than this though. I’ll figure it out soon enough, I always do.

…It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything down.  I just don’t have much that I care to write about these days.  I lost my job.  Too many late starts and no shows they said.  Whatever, I’ll find something else.   Mom and Dad have been treating me like a little kid lately.  They’re always asking where I’m going, where I’ve been, and who I’m with.  I’m way too old for that nonsense.  I think it’s time for me to get out on my own.  Once I find a new job, that’s what I’m going to do. I mean, what 22-year-old still lives with their parents anymore? I need to slow down on these pills too.  It’s like they’re all I can think about. I’m afraid I’m going to become an addict. From the second I wake up until I’m lying in bed, I’m always worried about my next high.  It’s like my body won’t function on its own anymore.

…I’ve finally hit my breaking point; I don’t think I can do it anymore.  Mom and Dad kicked me out.  They said that if I insist on ruining my life that I can do it on my own time.  I still don’t have a job, but I’ll figure it out soon. I need to get this under control first.  I just feel so lost.  The only time that I feel like I have any control over anything in my life is when I’m high.  Being high makes all of the pain go away.  When I’m not high, my body hurts.  I can’t describe it well, but it’s like my nerves are on fire.  I can’t eat, and I can’t sleep, and even though there’s nothing in my stomach I’m sick; sick like I have food poisoning, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make it go away.  Even if that means going out in the middle of the night to find what I need.  Anything to make the pain go away.  I think if I stay on this path I’ll wind up dead soon.  I know that I need help, but I don’t know where to start.  Maybe if I ask my parents to help get me into a place they’ll listen and take me seriously.  I don’t want to wind up dead, but I don’t know how to live sober either.  I need to do something.

…I spoke to a counselor today. She was pretty cool. Although I was not exactly excited about the entire thing, I’m glad I went. We talked for a while about everything that has been going on with me lately. Surprisingly, I was actually honest with her. For so long all I have done is lie to everyone, including myself. Telling the truth felt weird at first but I felt so much better after the fact. She didn’t seem to judge me, which was first, and actually answered a ton of questions I had about my circumstances. The recommendation to go to rehab eventually came up, as I suspected it would. I’m not entirely convinced I need to go just yet. I guess we’ll see how this goes for a little bit longer.

…Just left the counselor’s office for the 4^th time this month. I’ve been going pretty consistently now. Even though I’m still using it seems that our meetings are helping. I’m coming around to the idea of rehab. I’ve tried to stop on my own, and it’s just not working. I get to about the middle of the second day and I give in. Both my body and mind won’t allow me to go without the drugs. My parents said they would be supportive if I went to a facility. That’s at least a plus. I just can’t believe I became a drug addict. This isn’t how my life was supposed to go.

…I’ve been here for two weeks now.  I’m starting to feel more like my old self again.  It’s nice being surrounded by people who are going through the same thing that I am.  I’m not getting sick anymore, and my therapist says that she’s impressed with my progress.  I just couldn’t do it anymore. Once I started shooting up, I realized that I had a problem.  Just a few months ago I swore that I wouldn’t end up like that; I would never become a drug addict.  I didn’t realize how much control those pills had on me.  I never thought that I would be the one lying and stealing just to get high. When I first got here, I was ashamed to admit my truth, but now I’m proud to say that I am an addict in recovery. Mom and Dad have visited me a few times since I started. They’ve told me that they’re so proud that I made this decision.  I feel like our relationship is starting to get back to normal.  Actually, I think we’re going to be better than we were before.  I know it’s going to take a while to regain their trust, but I’m confident that with all of the support around me now that I can do it.

…It’s been three months since I left rehab.  When I look back on the last year, I can’t believe how far I’ve come!  Everything seems like it’s brand new to me.  Colors seem brighter, the wind feels different on my skin, even my food tastes better now.  The first night that I was home, Mom made my favorite dinner.  She said that I still looked too skinny and needed to eat.  I put ten pounds back on in rehab, but she thinks I can stand to gain a couple of more.  Our relationship is so much better now that I’m sober too.  I don’t feel like I need to constantly avoid her anymore, now that I’m not hiding anything.  I have more friends now too.  The people I met in NA have already become like family to me. They tell me I’ll always be an addict and there is no cure, but in time things get better and I’ll get stronger. I’m looking forward to the day that I’m strong enough to sponsor someone and help in their recovery. I’m thinking of going back to school also.  Maybe I’ll look into some kind of counseling.  I’d like to use my experience to help other people.  Unless you’ve been down this road, it’s hard to imagine how difficult it can be.

Contact Clearbrook For Addiction Help

If you or someone you know is a suffering alcoholic or drug addict, you should know that help is available. Clearbrook Treatment Centers has been effectively treating the chemically dependent person for more than 40 years. We have had the privilege to watch our patients restore and rebuild their lives, through the process of recovery. If you need help, please do not wait any longer. Contact us today! Our Admissions Specialists are available 24 hours a day and are happy to assist you.

If you or a loved one are struggling with addiction or mental health call us today at (570) 536-9621